What a difference a year makes...

OK. Time to blog! Shit... What should I blog about? So I sit here... staring at the computer... "I hate how I write...." Veronika. Why are you already starting off on a bad foot? You type perfectly well, and if other's don't care to read what you have to say, then F them. They don't have to read.... Great. Now I'm typing to myself...

Ok. Lets start this over. Veronika. Tell the experience of your year. Ok....

Well. I'm in 2011 now, 2 years since my last "blog."

I feel good!

2010. Whew... you were hard, but damn, I conquered you. It's amazing to me what a year makes....

In 2009 I was going through some seriously emotional head stuff. I was with a wonderful man, whom asked me to marry him a year before, and my career was kicking off into serious high demand. TV shows, music videos... it was surreal.

I don't want to use any names... so I'll call my ex fiance, Dreamer.

Knowing what I know now, I don't understand *why* I just couldn't say, "listen Dreamer, you are wonderful, I am totally in love with your family, but we're not *soul mates* so... I think we should focus on strengthening our friendship and go from there."

But what do I do? I lie, cheat, and totally abandon my Dreamer. What a douche! But... karma comes back in full circle and as soon as I let Dreamer out of my world, I let the devil in.

I met, he who shall not be named, the summer of 2009. Right when I was doing the break up thing with Dreamer. I've *always* believed in magic and connection and I felt this crazy mind hold on this person.

Of course, his magic was very powerful and I fell madly in love. Running away from my responsibilities as a friend to Dreamer, neglecting all my friends and my work!

He never liked my career, and when he asked me to stop so we could "settle" down... I just did...

I remember coming into my hoop class and saying I'll be quiting. Ew. Did those words really come out of my mouth? For a stupid boy! Damn, did he have some power on me!! Or how bout the time when I got called to perform for Armin Van Buuren for NYE IN BEIRUT!!!! But... I said no. Why? He wanted to spend NYE with me... Ugh. What an idiot. Really?

Ok for all you people out there reading this. IF you are in a relationship and they have this weird power over you... GET THE FUCK OUT! A true loving relationship is when you both can work side by side, knowing there will be ups and downs of your career, but it's the... Ok I'm re reading this sentence over and over which means I need to stop, and move onto what I am really trying to say.

If you are in a relationship where you can't communicate lovingly, openly, about whatever you want to talk about... the love is not real, and you should move on. Being in a relationship is all about loving and honoring that other person, no matter what career they posses. It's about *working* together in harmony.

Ok. Back to what this original experience was all about... So. Now I totally abandoned my friends and my career... but I had "love!" Or did I? One week he was telling me how much in love he was, how he wanted a family with me, and that he would do anything for me. Next week, I'm pregnant and he accuses me of being a liar and just stops talking to me. I mean, man up! I would have been fine with, "I'm totally not in love with you and don't want to have this baby." Jeesh! Thank you for being honest and up front he who shall not be named!

If you're wondering... I had a miscarriage :(

It was the most painful experience I have ever experienced in my life... and I've been through some shit.

I lost a baby, my "soul mate" O not to mention my best girl friend was sleeping with him... Hmmm. Ok. I think I need to evaluate why this is going on in my life.

Karma for Dreamer?
Universe yelling at me THIS IS NOT THE ONE!! STAND DOWN! STAND DOWN!!!

Or, because no matter what, Life has a bigger purpose for me. It could care less of what is painful, horrible, heart breaking...

If certain people are NOT meant to be in your life... no matter what, the Universe will remove them.

Granted I didn't get out of bed for awhile, and I had a wonderful amount of supporters, I took comfort knowing that "this too shall pass." I knew that I had pissed the Universe off for allowing humans not at my level into my world. How dare you tell me what I should and shouldn't do. How dare you tell me, "I love you, but don't want you to continue with what makes you exceptionally joyful."

People. If you are experiencing this... run like mad. Away... Far away. Move. Do whatever you need to do. Have faith knowing that the Universe will take care of you in whatever you decide. Especially if it's to save your mind, soul and heart.

This all happened one year ago. I thought I would never recover. I thought I could never love again. But I held on to what I believed in... and what I believed in was that my soul mate was looking for me as hard as I was looking for him... So I decided to stop. After trying to date, and I'm sure breaking their hearts, I just stopped. I wanted to just be, experience life, not love, and mend. I wanted to hoop, go to festivals and have fun. It wasn't till LIB and meeting Treavor Moontribe, a very good friend to this day, did my life dramatically change...

6 months later... almost to the day... I met my soul mate. Torin Gray Goodnight.

And that's another story folks.

So moral of story. If anyone in your life makes you unhappy, scared, mentally frustrated, tells you to stop doing what you love, or straight up runs away from their problems instead of manning up.... Smile, and walk away. You deserve better, and you will be better for realizing that you don't need people like this in your life. It's your path... walk it.